dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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