Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
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