why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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