but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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