i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
