apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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