Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
You are the jesus of drinking
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
