The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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