Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
