she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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