Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
