I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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