I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
