I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
