If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
