turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Randomize
