It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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