the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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