A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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