There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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