Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
So squirting runs in the family.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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