I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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