We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
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Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
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Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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