to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
