It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
