we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
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