He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
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i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
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Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
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