so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
My day in three words: secret purse cake
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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