Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
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I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
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There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize