That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
