You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
