i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
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