I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
