I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
