I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
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