I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
