Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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