I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Randomize
