i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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