remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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