now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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