Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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