So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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