I need to stop coming to work sober
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Randomize
