I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.