I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
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You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
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Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.