I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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