I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
