i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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