dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
