How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
