and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
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Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
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I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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