He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
