You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
please come you make the beer taste better
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
