I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
