so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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