I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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