dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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