mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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