Umm I'm too high to move.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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