sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
